If you watched Bravo’s hit show, “Blood, Sweat and Heels,” you know that Demetria Lucas – the straight-forward author and writer who just released her second book, “Don’t Waste Your Pretty” – doesn’t shy away from expressing her opinion on relationships. She openly disagreed with her castmates about snooping in your man’s phone when the topic was brought up at brunch. And, also revealed her personal struggle to balance her relationship and career as a successful author.
This honest candor, on the show and in her writing, is exactly what keeps her 46,000 Instagram followers and devoted admirers reading her ABelleInBrooklyn.com blog and Ask.fm account everyday for relationship advice and answers to their complex questions on love. In fact, Demetria answered so many questions on her Ask.fm account – 38,000 to be exact — that she decided to compile the 250 most common and popular questions into a how-to guide for women to find and maintain relationships without losing their mind.
“Sometimes, on (Ask.Fm), I give you the quick (answer), ‘No, that’s crazy,’” Lucas, whose followers call “Belle,” told us at her book release party. “But, I give you the whole break down: this is why I think this, this is the logic behind it and, when it applies to me, this is some of my personal experience to drive it home.”
Lucas has been a relative open book with her readers over the years sharing personal relationship anecdotes on her blog and in her first book “A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life,” if not protective, with some boundaries like changing the names of the involved. She shared through bouncing back from breakups and getting engaged. Making it down the aisle (if that’s your goal) can be filled with obsticles, but in her new book, Demetria gives detailed advice that can help you before you even have a committed partner or get a ring from one. Here are 5 major takeaways from her book to keep with you:
1. Dating on “your level” may not be what it’s cracked up to be.
“Men who are as professionally accomplished as you are not automatically better and more secure. A guy “at your level” might feel threatened by your successes or salary or resume, even if his are equal or better.”
It may sound nice to talk to your friends about the guy you’re dating who made time for you on a Wednesday night, despite conference calls and meetings at his high-brow six-figure salaried job, but really a man’s “status” or job doesn’t determine who he is. And, there could be a chance that his “status” may make him compete with yours.
2. If someone truly loves you, the idea of (temporary) physical distance won’t keep you apart.
“The kind of guy you want to marry, doesn’t want you to give up on your dreams just so he won’t miss you.”
Compromise is one of the most important things you can do in a relationship. But, reevaluate your relationship when you think your partner is guilt tripping you for making a decision that will benefit you in the long-run. If it’s for a career or other once-in-a-lifetime chance, your partner should not stop you from your own personal growth.
3. What you find the most important on the ideal partner may not be as important for a man.
“We judge men’s values by their security levels – height/size, career/money. Men don’t value women for the same thing. Your career is the cherry on top.”
This piece of advice doesn’t mean men don’t observe how a woman looks or her ambition (or lack of), but being insecure about not “measuring up” to your man in terms of a career or socioeconomic status isn’t necessary.
4. That “girlfriend/wife” label he uses to introduce you DOES matter.
“A title, or lack thereof, is one indicator about the seriousness of the relationship. It also changes the way you are treated and perceived.”
I have always been serious about making sure that whatever situation I’m in, I know exactly what to call it. If it’s not a relationship, you’re not my “boyfriend,” which means you won’t be getting a committed amount of my time or availability from me.
5. It’s ok if you’re not interested in any of the men currently courting you. No, really.
As women, we can often get caught up in making sure we haven’t hurt anyone’s feelings. We don’t want to come across as too harsh or mean when all we’re really doing is making a decision that works best for us. If you’ve been dating several men – work it out, girl! – don’t feel bad for being in it for a fun time. There’s only so much time you need to “see how things go,” though, and you should be upfront about your thoughts quickly.